


You've Cut The Wrong Damn Wire

by Branithar



Series: Wire [1]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Bullying, Childhood Trauma, Enemies to Lovers, Found Family, Friends to Enemies, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Incest, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, M/M, Serial Killers, Strangers to Friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:55:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 14
Words: 18,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23754211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Branithar/pseuds/Branithar
Summary: All through high school, Calum couldn't help but take notice of the lonely kid with the perpetually off-colour uniform and nervous eyes. It isn't until after they've graduated that he starts to wish he'd done more for Luke, like offer him friendship, or sit with him at lunch, or make an effort to have his back, anything that could make him feel less guilty for what happened.
Relationships: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin
Series: Wire [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1742266
Comments: 22
Kudos: 38





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So in case you missed the tags, a lot of really heavy topics are explored in this fic. Please stay safe and don't read this if any of those things may trigger you, but if you do choose to continue take note that I will put warnings for really graphic/explicit stuff at the beginning of each relevant chapter. Even still, some potentially difficult things may appear without warning. Don't be afraid to comment if you feel I haven't properly warned for something in the tags or at the beginning of a chapter. 
> 
> Again, PLEASE stay safe and don't read if you might find anything I tagged harmful.
> 
> Title is from Black by Hands Like Houses.

Calum knew him long before he actually met him. _Everyone_ knew the skinny blond with the big, sad doe-eyes, by reputation more than anything else. Luke Hemmings had more than his share of rumours and gossip going around.

Maybe it was the people he hung out with, but Calum hadn’t known many people who could actually confirm any of it. It was always, “I heard from Brandon that he’ll give you a handy for ten dollars and a blowjob for twenty,” and, “Jack says it’s more than that, at least thirty for the handjob,” and, “Trent reckons he’ll do all of it and more for free if you give him a bit of xan every now and then.” The nicer stories were that his parents were dead or in prison or dumped him on some relative when he was born.

Calum couldn’t say that he was inclined to believe many of them, it was a pretty well-known fact that Luke was an outcast, a weirdo. He was easy to pick on because he was small and quiet, so a lot of people did, safe in the knowledge that he _never_ went to anyone about it and nobody cared because, “He’s the kid that’s always high first period.” Calum had seen him walking to classes late with some seriously nasty-looking bruises plenty of times, hunched over and looking like he wished nobody could see him.

Although he didn’t know Luke very well, Calum was glad when Michael Clifford started hanging out with him in year twelve. Michael had rumours of his own, but they were more along the lines of, “He stabbed a kid in primary school,” and, “He killed his neighbours’ cat,” and, “He got expelled from his old school for beating people up.” From what Calum knew of him personally, Michael was perfectly friendly. His bright hair and lipring might’ve been off-putting to nervous old people, but he smiled and laughed a lot and the most Calum ever saw him get in trouble for was dress code violations, though teachers did seem to call him out on them at the beginning of every class Calum shared with him. It didn’t matter. Just as with Luke, the rumours were there and they weren’t going away.

Year twelve was when Calum noticed Luke hanging out outside of school for the first time, too. It had been weird to see him out of uniform and somehow Calum had never imagined that he was the type to eat ice cream outside a club, laughing about something with Michael. It felt good to see him happy. A few people wondered if they were dating, but everyone knew that you’d have to be a real asshole to have a problem with that.

Whatever the truth of everything was, while people still sometimes talked shit about Luke Hemmings behind his back, _nobody_ wanted to fuck with Michael Clifford. When Luke showed up to school limping and sporting a black eye, nobody bragged about it being them anymore.

After graduation, Calum stopped seeing Luke around as much, though Michael often came by Zig Zag’s, the ice cream place he was working at, for a cone each of rocky road and strawberry. He even learned Calum’s name and started greeting him whenever he came in, a friendly grin on his face. They never spoke much, but Calum got the impression that he and Luke were happy together, if they were together at all. A pretty coworker of Calum’s, Ashton, once commented that he rarely saw Michael or Luke alone, that they were almost always near one another, but Michael liked to flirt so it was hard to tell for sure. Calum had been tempted to give him his number a few times, but he worried that it would hurt his chances with Ashton.

Ashton Irwin had been working at Zig Zag’s for a few years and took it upon himself to train Calum when he was hired. He had a handsome face: green, hawk-like eyes, slightly pouty lips and a pointed chin and he always looked out for Calum when he fucked up or needed help with something. He was only a few years older than him, but Calum found the age difference intimidating and had a hard time working up the guts to ask if he wanted to hang out outside of work sometime.

Luckily for him, Ashton was the one to ask him if he wanted to go to a small party at a friend’s place one weekend. Calum was keen for both the opportunity to get to know Ashton better and to catch up with some high school friends he hadn’t seen in a while, so he was quick to give him a shrug and a, "Yeah, why not?"

Ashton picked Calum up on the night of the party, dressed in a leather jacket and black skinny jeans, his hair gelled back aside from a few wayward strands. He looked like a 50s bad boy and Calum loved it.

At the party, Calum didn’t drink much, worried that he’d do something dumb and embarrass himself in front of Ashton. A few friends from high school said hi and he took the opportunity to act cool and totally not needy or clingy, chatting about what everyone had been doing since graduating and what their plans were, even though he’d have liked nothing more than to listen to and stare at Ashton all night.

It wasn’t a date, but Calum managed to enjoy the night all the same, leaving late with Ashton and wondering if he could still spin things in a date-like direction. As they walked back to Ashton’s car he mulled over whether he could ask if he could spend the night at his place, or if he should play it cool and simply suggest that he’d like to hang out with Ashton again sometime.

Before he could come up with anything, Calum spotted something in the ditch that separated the road from a park. 

“What’s that?” he wondered, pointing.

Ashton peered at it. “Looks big. Kangaroo, maybe?”

As they got closer, Calum turned on his phone torch to shine it on the mystery thing. 

He froze. “ _Holy shit._ ”

The body curled up in the ditch was a mess. As Ashton called 000, Calum stared at it, at the wet blood and tattered clothes, at the blond curls and lanky limbs, at the horribly disfigured face and the glassy blue eye that stared at nothing. His stomach twisted.

“Luke?” He didn’t know who he was asking, but he hoped that they would tell him that no, it wasn’t Luke Hemmings, the lonely boy from school who was always so quiet, who always kept to himself and never gave anyone shit even if they deserved it.

“Hey,” Ashton said softly, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and taking his phone to turn off the torch.

Calum hadn’t realised that he was crying. He wasn’t even sure _why_ he was crying, he barely knew Luke, had never even had a full conversation with him. He _was_ crying, though, and he kept crying as the police pulled up and Ashton told him not to say anything, he’d sort it out. He kept crying as people from the party realised something was up and gathered around, whispering and trying to get a good look at the small, broken remains. He kept crying as they got in Ashton’s car and drove off, his mind whirling with how sick the world was to give Luke such a cruel life and then end it so horribly.

Ashton took him back to his place because it was closest, a small apartment in a quiet area, and held him as he broke down. The next morning, Calum blamed his tears on the alcohol.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING FOR HOMOPHOBIA IN THIS CHAPTER

Michael stopped coming by for ice cream. Calum had wanted to offer sympathy, but he didn’t show up after the night of the party and eventually a coworker told him that people were saying he did it. Michael Clifford beat Luke Hemmings to death and then skipped town to avoid the cops.

There wasn’t a funeral. Calum didn’t even see an obituary in the paper. It hurt to think that Luke would be so unmissed, that nobody cared enough to even acknowledge that he was gone. Calum had expected to be questioned by the police again, but apparently they weren't putting much effort into investigating. Luke deserved more.

Luke and Michael lingered in Calum’s mind on nights when he couldn’t sleep. Michael had always seemed so happy and carefree, but now Calum wondered if he’d been taking his frustrations out on Luke behind the scenes. When had that started? Had Michael been hurting him from the beginning or had it been gradual? Had anyone else known and either been too afraid of Michael to do anything about it or too apathetic to care? 

For all his questions, there seemed to be no solid answers. Nobody wanted to talk about Luke except to say they weren’t surprised that that was how he went out or that figuring out what happened wasn't a priority to the police. Calum nearly punched someone who said that it was what people like him deserved. 

Despite seeing him fall apart when they found Luke’s body, Ashton still seemed to want to hang out with Calum. He always took the time to ask him how he was doing when he came in to work and Calum always said he was good. He honestly couldn’t tell if that was true, but he didn’t want to look like a crybaby, so that’s what he said, even after he had a nightmare where he’d found himself standing above Luke and holding a crowbar, swinging it down on him and feeling it shudder through his arms and body as bones shattered and blood sprayed. 

To his relief, Calum and Ashton’s hangouts became frequent. They saw movies, went to the beach and drove for hours to catch concerts, everything slowly feeling more and more date-like as they became closer. Besides being hot as fuck, Calum realised that Ashton actually _clicked_ with him, matching his humour like they’d been friends for years. It made it easy to act like Ashton was _just_ a friend in front of Calum’s parents. 

They had to be careful, never standing too close when they were at Calum’s house and maintaining an acceptable best friends aura when they were in public. Calum used to look away when he found himself staring at Ashton too long because he didn’t want to come off as creepy, but now he did it because it felt like everyone was watching them, waiting for him to slip up. 

“Does it annoy you?” Calum asked Ashton when they were curled up on the couch at his apartment after a tiring day at a waterpark, “Me not kissing you or...acting like a boyfriend around other people?”

Ashton rubbed his shoulder soothingly. “‘Course not. I get why you don’t want to and I wouldn’t want you to get hurt if the wrong people found out.” 

Calum stretched up to kiss him. “I love you so much.”

“Love you too.” 

The truth of their relationship didn’t stay in the dark, though. Calum knew that he’d been taking risks, letting himself touch Ashton for a little too long, sit a little too close to him, smiling a little too much when they were together. Part of him hoped that it would be okay, that people would get used to their closeness and just accept that that was how they were, but when he got home after a dinner with Ashton to see his parents waiting for him in the kitchen, he knew it had been stupid to expect that. 

His mum had been crying. Her eyes were red and tears still glistened on her cheeks and Calum knew the moment he saw her that he’d fucked up. 

“You got something you wanna tell us?” his dad asked in a dangerous tone. 

“What do you mean?” Maybe playing dumb would save him. 

“You know what I fucking mean. Why the fuck did your mother see you feeling up some fag?”

“I don’t—”

“I saw you,” his mum interrupted, “Coming out of that Italian restaurant near the library. I wanted to say hi, but then you got in a car with him and—” She choked off, apparently too distressed to go on. 

“We were just joking around,” Calum tried. It had just been a peck on the cheek...

His dad exploded. “Don’t fucking lie to your mother!” he roared, getting in Calum’s face and making him flinch, “She knows what she fucking saw.” 

“I’m not gay,” he lied softly. 

His dad grabbed his jacket and raised his fist. Calum cowered, covering his face and waiting for the blow to come. 

“Get the fuck out of my house,” his dad seethed, shoving him towards the door, “I’m not letting a fag sleep under my roof.”

As he ran out of the kitchen, Calum glanced back at his mum and saw her just shake her head and sob.


	3. Chapter 3

Calum thought he’d done a pretty good job of keeping it together by the time he pulled up to Ashton’s apartment on his motorbike. He’d beaten back all thoughts of what he was supposed to do now, instead focusing on Ashton. He’d know what to do. 

Unfortunately, when Ashton opened the door to him, surprised and confused, Calum broke down. He could barely get a word out through the tightness in his throat as Ashton brought him in and sat him down on the couch, rubbing his back and waiting for him to calm down. 

“Mum saw us,” he croaked, “She told Dad and they kicked me out.” 

“I’m sorry,” Ashton murmured, pulling him into a hug. 

It took a long time for Calum to fall asleep. He hadn’t been able to grab a change of clothes on the way out, so Ashton had lent him a clean shirt and boxers that didn’t really fit and his mind just kept going around and around wondering what the fuck was going to happen to him now. In the end, as grateful as Calum was for Ashton’s company, it wasn’t enough to stave off nightmares when he finally drifted off. 

It was Calum on the ground this time, weak and exposed, his dad swinging a metal pipe down on him, shouting abuse with every hit. Calum felt his ribs snap and pierce his lungs, his fingers break when they moved to protect his face, his cheekbone shatter and blind his eye. He woke up gasping, feeling like there was an iron band squeezing the air out of his lungs. 

The worst part was that he’d woken Ashton and he was now rubbing his shoulders and telling him it was okay, it was just a nightmare, he was safe now. Calum hated looking so pathetic in front of him. 

When he’d finally calmed down he told Ashton he needed a shower, though it was mainly an excuse to have some privacy to get his shit together. Ashton kissed his head and told him he’d make breakfast, promising that things would be okay and for a moment Calum believed him.

Once he was clean and actually feeling a lot better, Calum checked his phone to find two texts from his dad. 

**you have until friday to get all your shit out of our house**

**anything thats still here after that is getting thrown out**

He had a week to remove every trace of himself from his parents’ house. How generous. 

Ashton suggested that they go over after breakfast to get a start on it and then come back again after work. Sundays were shorter for them, so they should have plenty of time, he reasoned. 

Not really tasting it, Calum chewed through the omelette Ashton had made him and told himself he wasn’t gonna cry about this again. 

They probably should have seen it coming, but Calum’s dad refused to let Ashton in once they got there. 

“I’m not having that fag under my roof,” he snapped when he saw them on the doorstep. 

Ashton put his hands up defensively. “I’ll wait out here,” he told Calum, watching him go inside before walking back to his car. 

Calum felt overwhelmed the moment he stepped into his room. The thought of leaving the house he’d spent his whole life in forever hurt, moreso when he looked around at his posters, the CD collection on his shelf, the old school books he’d never gotten around to throwing out...

A text from Ashton broke him out of his reverie. 

**maybe just get some clothes and stuff first**

Calum shook his head. It was just like Ashton to know that Calum was stressed without even being able to see him. 

With Ashton’s suggestion, clearing out a corner of Calum’s room was a breeze. A lot of his old clothes didn’t even fit anymore, so it only took a few trips to get everything he wanted to keep to his car, his dad watching him like a hawk every time he passed the lounge room. 

Once Ashton’s backseat was stacked with clothes and Calum’s bass they drove back to his apartment to drop everything off. Calum changed into his work gear and considered how weird it was to get back into that routine while his life fell apart. 

By the end of the week they’d cleared out about half of Calum’s room. Looking around at what remained, he realised he’d never really noticed how much of his stuff he’d outgrown and held onto. It seemed a shame that all those things from his childhood would just be tossed out, but he didn’t want to clutter Ashton’s apartment while he looked for a place to stay. 

Living with Ashton was good. As embarrassing as waking up from nightmares was, Calum was grateful to have someone to hold him until he felt okay. He wasn’t sure how he’d cope without the support, if he was being honest. It wasn’t like his mum was going to give it to him. 

Although Ashton had refused at first, Calum insisted on splitting the rent fifty-fifty and he did housework wherever he could. No matter how shit his situation was, he’d be damned if he was going to sit on his ass and take Ashton’s generosity for granted. 

The upside of getting kicked out was that Calum didn’t have to worry about people finding out about him and Ashton. It was weird at first, letting himself be more affectionate in public, but it was freeing too, like a tension he hadn’t realised was there had disappeared. 

He wished he could enjoy it as much as he should, but as he got more comfortable with putting an arm around his shoulders, Ashton seemed to get more closed off. Had he always been so reluctant to talk about his personal life, or was Calum only just noticing it now? It occurred to him that he didn’t even know if Ashton had any siblings. Maybe he got kicked out of home, too. Would it be weird to ask? 

Calum didn’t expect to discover the reason for all of it when they were at home one night, half watching a dumb movie and eating a stir fry Ashton made. 

“American schools are so weird, man,” he criticised, “How come everything is one building like that? My school had like a seperate building for every subject.” 

“I dunno, I had most of my classes in one room for most of high school,” Ashton said. 

Calum frowned and looked at him. “What do you mean?” 

Ashton stared back, seeming to realise he’d said something he hadn’t meant to. 

“What kind of school did you go to?”

“I was…” Ashton shook his head and paused the movie, staring at the remote in his hands. “I went to juvy.”


	4. Chapter 4

Calum stared. _Ashton_ went to juvy?

“Why?”

“Assault,” Ashton said softly, “Someone told me to hurt someone, so I did and they gave me four years for it.”

No matter how hard he tried, Calum couldn’t picture him doing something like that. Ashton, his kind, loving boyfriend, who meditated and did yoga every day and worked at an ice cream shop and had never so much as raised his voice in all the time Calum had known him. There was no way. 

“It was good for me,” Ashton told him, “There was a lot that I needed to work through and it gave me the chance to really… _examine_ who I was, you know? I definitely came out way better than I went in.” 

Calum nodded. Maybe Ashton just had a really shit upbringing and made a mistake and needed space to grow properly or something. He could wrap his head around that. 

“Things were different when I got home, though,” he continued, “I wanted to be better, but I was just the kid that went to juvy. No one _else_ wanted me to be better, they wanted me to be who they thought I was. My mum could barely even look at me. I moved out as soon as I turned eighteen and haven’t seen my parents since.” 

Calum looked at his hands. He’d thought they were close, but now he felt like there was an ocean of things he didn’t know about Ashton, like he was a book he’d only ever seen the cover of. 

“Please don’t tell anyone.”

Calum started. “No, of course not. It’s all in the past now, ay?”

Ashton’s brow furrowed. “Aren’t you mad?” 

“No, it’s fine, man.” Calum looked at him, hoping he could see the sincerity in his face. “I know you wouldn’t do that now. You’re...you’re a good person.” 

“You really believe that?”

Calum nodded. He needed to think about what he’d told him tonight, but Ashton _was_ a good person. 

Ultimately, he decided it didn’t matter what had happened to Ashton in his childhood and he didn’t want it to put a spanner in their relationship. He loved him and, if he was being honest, he needed the support. Maybe Ashton’s difficult relationship with his parents was _why_ he was so good at helping Calum through it all. 

As much as he told Ashton that he didn’t want his confession to change them, Ashton seemed reluctant to believe him. He was distant now, like he was bracing himself for the day Calum flipped his shit and said he couldn’t date a psycho and he never wanted to see him again. 

At least, that’s what Calum told himself was happening. He couldn’t bear to think that there was another reason Ashton was starting to spend less time with him, staying out later and taking Calum on fewer dates. Not that Calum would blame him. He’d been a mess since Luke’s death and although he thought he was coping well with his parents cutting him out of their lives, he couldn’t deny that sometimes he was just a misery to hang out with. 

“Hey, I’m gonna be driving south for a few days next week,” Ashton told him one night over dinner. 

“Why?” Calum asked, stomach sinking. 

“Friend of mine just moved into a new place and needs help putting his furniture together. It’ll probably just be Wednesday and Thursday, but I might not get back until Friday.” 

Calum nodded. “Alright.”

Ashton smiled. 

As much as Calum wanted to believe him, a creeping sense of worry nagged at him. He was taking a two day trip to assemble _furniture?_ Maybe the weakness of the excuse was proof that he wasn’t lying. Trusting Ashton had been so easy before he told him about his juvy sentence. 

Calum felt sick the whole time Ashton was gone. He managed to make it back on Thursday night after all, but instead of welcoming him back, Calum pretended he was already asleep, unready to pretend that he thought nothing was wrong. 

Contrary to what Calum had expected, Ashton went right back to his old self immediately. He took Calum places again and he was more animated when he spoke, making sharp jibes that Calum hadn’t realised he missed. It was conflicting. Calum loved Ashton’s return to his fun, snarky demeanour, but he couldn’t stop wondering what had happened during his trip. Maybe he just needed space. He _was_ used to living alone and hadn’t had much time on his own since Calum moved in. Maybe nothing was going on and Ashton just needed a breather.

As Calum wiped down a table behind the counter at Zig Zag’s, he mulled over the idea of just asking Ashton about it. Keeping his bad feeling to himself wasn’t helping, he needed Ashton to assure him that there was nothing going on, but what if he didn’t? What if something _was_ wrong? What if Ashton told him it wasn’t working anymore? 

“You guys do thickshakes now?”

Calum spun, his blood running cold when he saw the customer at the counter. “Michael?”

Michael Clifford grinned at him. “What’s up, Cal?”


	5. Chapter 5

Michael had changed a lot. The cherry-red hair was gone, a mess of bleached blond sweeping down over his forehead. He’d had a few tattoos the last time he came in, but now his right arm was wrapped in a sleeve and Calum could see part of another poking out under his rolled up jacket sleeve, just above his elbow. He had more piercings too, glinting metal in his eyebrow, both nostrils and the shell of his right ear joining the unfamiliar crucifix dangling from his left ear. 

A million questions ran through Calum’s head, but he wasn’t sure how to ask any of them. Before he could say anything, a broad-shouldered man with gelled back curls and a grin Calum had only seen once before came in, clapping Michael’s back when he reached the counter.

“Didn’t feel like waiting in the car,” he told Michael, bending to examine the flavours in the freezer. 

“They do thickshakes now,” Michael told him, eyes shining. 

“ _Luke?_ ”

The guy looked at Calum, bright blue eyes questioning. “Yeah?” 

Calum stared. What the fuck. 

“You…I thought you were dead,” he said weakly.

Luke straightened up, confused. “ _Why?_ ”

“I saw your body,” he told him, “Me and Ashton found it last year, you...”

“Oh.” Luke frowned. “That was my brother, Ethan.”

His _brother?_ Calum blinked. “Oh, shit. Sorry, man.”

“’S okay. I’m sorry you had to see that, it was really bad.”

Calum glanced at Michael, deciding it was best he didn’t bring up his supposed role in Luke’s apparently fictional death. “So…where have you guys been?”

Luke shrugged. “Just needed some time away after what happened.”

Calum nodded, still not sure he’d made sense of what the fuck was happening. “Yeah, that’s fair enough. You look great, though, it did you good.”

Luke grinned. “Thanks, man!”

Calum wasn’t lying. Luke had filled out a lot since he and Michael had left and the dark circles under his eyes were gone, the sores that used to litter his arms faded. He was almost unrecognisable now, sunkissed face glowing as Michael told Calum about how they’d both learned a lot while they were travelling.

Ashton came back from the backroom with a fresh tub of caramel, tilting his head at Michael and Luke. 

“It’s Luke Hemmings,” Calum told him, still barely believing it himself, “He’s not dead, it was his brother we found…”

Ashton frowned at Luke. “Sorry for your loss. That was pretty fucked up.”

Luke shrugged. “It still doesn’t feel real, to be honest.”

“Good to see that you’re okay, though,” Ashton said, replacing the empty caramel tub, “So what can I get you guys?”

Luke stuck to strawberry ice cream, but Michael wanted to try a thickshake, so he went with the caramel Ashton had just brought out. As much as he tried not to stare, Calum couldn’t stop looking at them as he made Michael’s thickshake. Luke hadn’t died, but the kid Calum had known in high school had. In five years, Calum hadn’t seen him smile as much as he did now, had _certainly_ never heard him laugh that way he did when Michael cracked a joke about something dumb. 

“I can’t believe he’s alive,” Calum murmured to Ashton as they left, “This whole time…”

“I know,” Ashton said, “I didn’t even recognise him at first.”

Calum shook his head. “He’s a completely different person.” 

“Glad they’re doing good.”

“Yeah.” 

After work, Calum looked up news reports from last year and quickly found a short mention of Ethan Park’s death. There weren’t a lot of details and it was easy to see why Calum had missed it. It took some more searching, but when he found a picture of Ethan he was surprised by how much he looked like Luke. There were differences, but with his face beaten out of shape and bloody, who would be able to see them? 

“I didn’t even know he had a brother,” he told Ashton, “They must’ve gone to different schools or something.” 

Ashton looked at the obituary he’d found. “He was twenty eight,” he pointed out, “He would’ve graduated before you got to high school.” 

“Wonder why his last name’s Park instead of Hemmings.” 

“Maybe you could ask Luke,” Ashton suggested, “I was thinking of asking them to come to the beach with us sometime.”

“Yeah?”

Ashton nodded. “Just to make them feel welcome, you know?” 

Although Calum didn’t want to hit a nerve by asking Luke about his brother, he couldn’t say no to the opportunity to get to know him and Michael better. He felt like he owed them that much, for the assumptions he’d held onto for the past year and a half, and for how alone Luke had been before that. 

Despite the weather they’d been having recently, Ashton managed to pick a sunny day for them to hang out. Luke had never seemed like the type to spend a lot of time in the sun, but at some point while he and Michael were gone he’d taken up surfing. Watching him paddle out on his board, Calum could barely believe that the person he was seeing was actually Luke Hemmings. 

When Calum, Ashton and Michael were worn out from hitting around a volleyball and Luke had come back to shore, they hauled the esky out of Ashton’s car and passed beers around. 

“Does your mum still do her volunteer stuff at the school?” Michael asked Calum.

“Uh...I don’t know, maybe,” Calum said, “I got kicked a while ago. They found out about me and Ash.”

Michael frowned. “Shit, I’m sorry.” 

Calum shrugged. “All good. When did you learn to surf, Luke?” 

"When we were in Bondi for a few weeks," he said, grinning at the memory, "I tried to get Michael to learn too, but he was too scared."

Michael rolled his eyes. "I wasn't scared." 

The conversation was interrupted by the approach of some guys Calum remembered from school. 

“Heard you guys were back in town,” one whose name Calum vaguely knew was Johnno said. 

Luke glanced up at them, then looked back at the bottle in his hand, his smile disappearing. Michael frowned. 

“Thought you fucked off for good after what happened to Ethan,” Johnno continued, “Weren’t you supposed to be helping him pay off all those debts?” 

Michael stood abruptly, eyeing Johnno. “Got a problem?” 

Ashton stood too and Calum took one look at Luke and decided that was their cue to leave. As Ashton grabbed his surfboard, Calum pulled Luke to his feet, giving him a pat on the shoulder as they turned away from Johnno and his friends. 

Johnno put his hands up defensively. “Chill dude, I’m just being a concerned friend. You know Smithy doesn’t forget shit, who knows what could happen once he finds out little Lukey’s back? I mean, we all heard about Ethan, right?” 

“Fuck off,” Michael warned, before turning to walk back to the car park with the rest of them. 

Calum gave Johnno a long look before moving to follow. 

“Think your boyfriend will still let me fuck his ass for oxy?” Johnno wondered loudly. 

Calum froze as Luke glanced back. His stomach twisted at how upset by the comment Luke looked, like he was suddenly that scared, lonely kid in high school again. Not really thinking about it, Calum walked back to Johnno and swung at his nose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :3
> 
> Also, Breathing In Second Hand Smoke can be now be read spoiler-free if you want some Michael/Luke backstory.


	6. Chapter 6

“You gotta be more careful,” Ashton fussed, examining Calum’s knuckles, “I don’t want you breaking your hand on pricks like that.” 

“Had to shut him up somehow.” 

Ashton shook his head. “We should take a class so you can learn how to punch. Then you can fuck him up properly next time.” 

Calum smiled wryly. “Sounds good.” 

Hunched over in the passenger seat of Michael’s car with a towel wrapped around his shoulders, Luke sat and stared at nothing. Though his hair was much longer than it used to be, from his expression there was no question that he was the same kid Calum used to see around at school. Calum looked away, anger rising again. Maybe Ashton had a point about fucking Johnno up properly next time. 

“Here.” Ashton handed Calum an unopened beer. “Put this on it.” 

Calum winced at the feeling of the hard glass on his knuckles, but relaxed as the cold soothed them. 

Michael came over to them, expression uncharacteristically somber. “We’re gonna head home,” he said, glancing back at Luke, “We’ll have to do lunch another time. Sorry.”

“No worries,” Calum assured him, “Take care, ay?” 

Michael nodded and walked back to his car, giving Luke a pat on the shoulder on the way to the driver’s seat. Ashton waved as they drove away, his expression unreadable. 

“Who’s Smithy?” he asked on the way home. 

“A dealer,” Calum told him, “I dunno if he still does, but he used to supply a lot of people at school.” 

“Luke and Ethan, too,” Ashton guessed.

Calum shrugged. “Probably. Never heard of him killing someone over a debt before, though.” 

“First time for everything.”

“I guess.” 

That night, Calum got a text from Luke. 

**thanks for punching johnno. ive wanted to do that since hs**

**anytime** , Calum replied, **johnnos a prick**

**ashton seemed mad that we had to leave early**

Calum frowned. **no way dude. he was just pissed at johnno**

**oh ok**

**ashton isnt mad at you, he was worried about you getting hurt** , he promised. 

That Luke would be afraid that he’d angered Ashton by being upset at what Johnno had said was saddening. Maybe he was used to people blaming him for things that weren’t his fault or being told to suck it up when he was hurt. Luke's worry kept Calum awake late into the night, wondering not for the first time what had happened to Luke that made him act the way he did. 

By the time they met up again, he seemed to be back to his happier self, to Calum’s relief. He hated the idea of him being miserable to be back after all this time. 

“Check out my new shoes!” he said, sticking a foot out from under the table to show off silver shining and black stars.

“Where d’you get them?” Calum asked, leaning to get a good look. They _were_ pretty sick. 

“Online!” Luke grinned. 

“High heels?” Ashton questioned. 

Calum looked closer and realised that Ashton was right. He’d wondered if Luke seemed a little taller than Calum remembered earlier, though it was hard to tell. Luke always used to look like he was being crushed by the weight of the world, but since coming back from his trip with Michael he’d been holding himself higher. Calum had never noticed how tall he was before and smiled in amusement at his decision to be even taller by wearing several centimetres of heels. 

Before he could comment on that, the quiet conversation of the people at a table near theirs caught Calum’s interest. 

“Keagan and Johnno are dead?” someone asked quietly. 

“Yeah. Ewan found them at Johnno’s place. He reckons they had a fight.” 

“I knew they were on bad terms, but…”

“Yeah.”

“Who’s moving on Keagan’s spot, then?”

“Dunno. Guess it’s free now, ay?”

“It gets pretty good traffic. I heard he was selling a kilo a month there.” 

Ashton pat Calum’s back, snapping his attention back to their table. “You alright there?”

He nodded. “Yeah, just zoned out, sorry.” 

“I was trying to ask what you’re doing at Christmas,” Michael said. 

“Oh…” Calum looked at his hands. “Not much, I guess.” Usually his family would have a huge get together, but he’d gotten a text from his dad about a week ago telling him that Mum didn’t want him ruining the day and that it would be best if he didn’t come over. 

“We should do a barbecue,” Michael suggested, “I can get some meat from work, if anyone knows how to cook it.”

“I can do that,” Ashton volunteered. 

“He’s a _really_ good cook,” Calum gushed, dispelling the thoughts of his family, “You don’t even know what you’re signing up for, man.” 

Michael grinned. “Perfect!”


	7. Chapter 7

Calum wasn’t sure how to feel about Johnno. He didn’t want to be cold, but he knew he and his friends used to bully Luke in school and he was still angry about what he’d said at the beach. He shut down the voice in his head that said the world was a better place without him and told himself it was tragic that Johnno was so young, barely older than Calum. 

For better or worse, all thoughts of him left Calum’s mind as Christmas drew nearer and Ashton started getting distant again. Now that it had happened once, Calum was more aware of it, of the way Ashton gave shorter answers in conversations and stayed out later and later. He told himself that it was probably some kind of depressive episode, that he was just a bit unhappy right now and, with some support, he would naturally start feeling better after a while. 

Even when Calum offered to help Ashton make a potato casserole for the barbecue with Michael, Luke and some friends of theirs, Ashton simply told him he could do it himself. 

“Go to bed, I’ll be there when I’m done,” he said as he peeled the potatoes. 

It was only seven thirty, but Calum did as he suggested anyway, miserable thoughts of his relationship falling apart swirling through his head. He burrowed under the covers, starting to feel stupid for unconciously banking so much on it as tears welled up and he remembered that for the first time in his life he wouldn’t get to spend Christmas with his family. 

Eventually he did drift off, only waking briefly when Ashton climbed into bed and he instinctively pulled him close. 

According to Ashton, all he needed to do with the casserole the next morning was mix the ingredients in a huge foil dish and then put it in the oven when they got to Michael’s friend’s house. Britney worked at the same abattoir as Michael, from what Calum could tell, and had helped provide some of the meat for the barbecue. 

As Britney showed Ashton to the kitchen, Calum found Luke carrying an esky out to the back veranda. 

“Cal!” Luke greeted, smiling. 

“Need a hand?” Calum offered. 

“Nah, I’m good. How are you?”

Calum shrugged, failing to fake a smile. 

Luke nodded sympathetically, setting the esky by a table. “I’m here if you wanna talk, man.”

“Yeah, thanks.” 

A few other guests had already arrived, mainly to pile the tables high with food they’d brought. It seemed more like a massive potluck lunch than a small Christmas barbecue. 

Ashton set to work at the barbecue, cooking up burgers and steaks as more people filled the yard. 

“He looks like such a dad, ay?” Michael joked to Calum. 

Calum grinned and they watched Ashton take a sip of the beer in his hand and nod along to something someone was saying, flipping a few burgers. He was casually dressed in a singlet and cargo pants today, probably to keep barbecue grease away from any of his nice clothes, but Calum couldn’t help his staring. How did he always look so good? 

“Hey Michael!” Britney greeted as she approached them. 

“Britney!” Michael returned, “Thanks for doing this.” He gestured around vaguely. 

Britney shrugged. “Wish we could do a hangi, but our landlord wouldn’t let us dig up the yard.”

“Dick.”

“Yeah.” Britney looked at Calum. “I don’t think I know you.” 

“I’m Calum.” He gestured at Ashton. “Me and Ash are friends with Michael and Luke.” 

She nodded, giving him a welcoming smile. “Glad you could make it.” 

When Calum and Michael went to the barbecue to grab some food and chat, Ashton seemed to ever so slightly tense up. Calum would have missed it if he didn’t know him so well, but noticing it was crushing. 

“Morning, Michael.” 

“Merry Christmas, dude!” Michael returned, forking a burger into the bun in his hand, “How’s it going?”

“Pretty good,” Ashton said shortly. 

Michael took a bite of his burger, waving at someone at the other end of the yard as he chewed and swallowed. “This is so good, man!” 

“It’s good meat,” Ashton replied, “You’re pretty good at carving things up, aren’t you?”

Michael stared at Ashton, expression shifting from confused to shocked and calculating. Before he could say anything, Luke joined them. 

“Lotta food, ay?” he commented, glancing between Ashton, Michael and Calum when none of them replied for a moment. 

Michael glanced at Calum, then Luke. “Let’s go get some drinks.” 

When they were out of earshot, Calum turned to Ashton, who was staring cold daggers into Michael’s back. “What was that about?” 

Ashton shrugged, going back to flipping the meat on the barbecue. “Dunno.” 

A while later, Calum got a text from Luke saying he and Michael had to leave early to see Michael’s grandma in hospital and he hoped he and Ashton were having a good Christmas. Although Luke had mentioned a while ago that she was sick and that was why he and Michael had come back, Calum couldn’t help but wonder if Ashton and Michael’s tense moment had had something to do with them leaving in a hurry. As much as he thought about it, he couldn’t for the life of him figure out what Ashton had said that had caught Michael off guard. Michael took a lot of pride in his ability to create perfect cuts of meat, so why would he be upset by Ashton saying it too? 

Unless he’d meant something else. Calum shoved the thought of there being something he didn’t know about between Ashton and Michael to the back of his mind. He couldn’t do this right now. 

The drive home was quiet. Silence with Ashton used to feel comfortable and natural, but now it was cut with tension, like there were things that weren’t being said. 

Ashton gave Calum his present at dinner, a new jacket and gloves. The jacket would be too hot to wear now, but in winter it would be perfect for protecting Calum from the wind and rain when he was out on his motorbike. His heart twisted at how perfect it was, how Ashton knew exactly what style Calum liked. 

He gave Ashton his present, a new kitchen knife to replace one of his old, worn out ones. 

“I know you’ve been thinking about getting a new one, so…”

Ashton smiled and kissed Calum. “It’s perfect. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These chapters have been pretty slow, so I wrote some Michael/Luke background in Breathing In Second Hand Smoke. I made sure to avoid spoilers for upcoming chapters, so it can be read at any time after Chapter 5.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: rape mention
> 
> Things get pretty dark from here on.

Calum trudged down the rows of headstones, the flowers in his arms bobbing gently in the sunlight as he pondered the fact that they didn’t know where they were going. Flowers didn’t plan for things like this. They didn’t grow from tiny seeds thinking about getting cut from their stems, wrapped in fancy paper and taken to cemeteries to rot over someone’s grave. Shit just happened to them. 

Although he hadn’t been here since he got kicked out, Calum knew the path to his nan’s final resting place well. He used to visit at least monthly, usually when he was stressed about keeping his severe lack of straightness a secret. Looking back, he wondered if she’d suspected that he didn’t like girls, if she’d always been offering quiet support before he even knew that he needed it. As he laid the flowers down, he wondered if things would be different if she were still alive, if his parents would still talk to him, even if it was only over text. 

As he made to leave, Calum noticed two men standing near some newer graves several rows away. He recognised Luke immediately, but the other guy was unfamiliar. It was hard to tell from so far away, but Luke looked almost angry. His expression cleared when he looked up and noticed Calum. 

Holding up a hand in greeting, Calum wondered if it would be weird to say hi at a cemetery. He wouldn’t blame Luke if he wasn’t in the mood, but he did want to catch up at some point. He and Michael had barely spoken to him since Christmas and whenever Calum tried to make plans they claimed they were busy. 

Fortunately, Luke said something to the man and started walking to him. 

“Who was that?” Calum asked when he reached him, watching the guy stare at the grave in front of him for a moment before leaving. 

“My uncle, Phil.” 

“Didn’t know you had an uncle.” 

“Me and Ethan used to live with him before…” He shuffled his feet and looked away. 

“Sorry.” 

As Phil got into his car, Luke stared at him, expression uncharacteristically unreadable. 

“You okay?” Calum asked. Maybe they’d had an argument or something. 

“I think he wants to...reconcile or something,” Luke said. 

“Are you gonna let him?” 

“Dunno.” 

Calum nodded and looked at Nan’s grave. “Fair enough.” 

“Who’s this?” Luke asked. 

“My nan. She died when I was in primary school.” 

“Sorry.” 

“All good. Were you here to see Ethan?” 

“Phil wanted to talk, so we met up at his grave,” Luke said. 

“Good a place as any, I guess.” 

“Yeah.” 

Maybe Luke had been trying to make some kind of point to Phil, tell him that it was too late to say sorry or something, though Calum could only guess at all the shit Phil would have to apologise for. Luke had been _miserable_ when he’d been living with him. 

“How’s Michael?”

“He’s good. He missed his nan a lot when we were gone, so he’s happy to be spending time with her.” 

Calum nodded. “So, uh…” He hesitated. 

Luke looked at him. 

“Did something happen at Christmas? I feel like we don’t see you guys anymore.” 

Luke gave Calum a long look. “Michael just wants to be with his nan for as long as possible before she passes away. She’s been sick. Nothing against you.”

“Right, yeah no, of course.” Calum huffed a breath. “So it’s not something with him and Ash?” 

“What d’you mean?” 

“I think…” Calum looked away. “Ashton might be...cheating.” 

Luke’s jaw dropped in surprise. “Seriously?” 

“He’s been...different, you know?” 

“And you reckon him and Michael…”

Calum looked at Luke. “Shit, sorry. I didn’t mean to-” He fumbled for a way to save Luke’s feelings. “He might not be, I was probably just overanalysing shit, I don’t think Michael’s cheating on you.” 

Luke looked surprised. “Me and Michael aren’t dating.” 

“Oh.” Calum tried not to look too relieved. 

“I love him to bits, but yeah, we’re not a thing. Neither are him and Ash. I would know if they were, he would’ve told me.” 

“Oh.” 

Well that was _something,_ Calum supposed. 

“Have you talked to him about it?”

Calum shook his head. “I guess I should, huh?”

Luke looked hesitant. “Won’t you just be hurt if he says he is?” 

Calum stared. “What?” 

Luke shrugged. “Maybe it’s better if you don’t know.”

That wasn’t the advice Calum was expecting. It was exactly what he already felt, but he knew that literally anyone would say he should try to communicate with Ashton and get his feelings out there. Anyone except Luke, apparently. 

“You wanna get drinks with me?” Luke asked, “It’s getting late.” 

“Uh, yeah, sure.” 

Maybe it made sense that Luke would find the most non-confrontational option the most appealing. Calum would never ask, but from what he’d said at the cemetery, he suspected that Phil had been abusive. Luke was probably used to getting hurt for trying to talk things out. Maybe that was part of why he was so reluctant to open up about anything more personal than where he bought a nice shirt. 

Even after a few more drinks than Calum had intended, Luke didn’t spill anything, choosing instead to gush about the time he and Michael went to a zoo and saw a lot of cute animals. Calum didn’t press him, he just smiled along and cooed at the photos Luke showed him. As much as he liked Luke, he didn’t really want to know too much about his personal life. A lot of it would likely be painful to hear. 

Although it wasn’t very late when he got home, Ashton looked like he was about to freak out when Calum opened the door. 

“Where the fuck you been?” he demanded, gripping Calum’s shoulders as his eyes raked over him.

“What the fuck, man, I was with Luke. Why are you throwing a hissy fit?”

“I thought something happened to you," Ashton said, surprising him with a tight hug, "Why were you with Luke?”

Calum pushed him away. “I saw him and his uncle at the cemetery and we got drinks.” He frowned. “Me and Luke. Not his uncle. Phil’s a prick.” 

Ashton had deflated a little, but a hint of panic remained in his demeanour. “I’ve been texting you all-” 

“I asked him if you were cheating on me.” Apparently he was finally drunk enough to have this conversation. He went to the couch and flopped down, checking his phone and realising he’d forgotten to turn it back on after leaving the cemetery. 

Ashton followed him, but stayed standing. “What?” 

“You and Michael were acting weird and I thought you might’ve been fucking behind my back and had a fight, but Luke says he’d know about it if you did, so I dunno what the fuck is going on with you but at least you aren’t dragging them into it, I guess.” 

Ashton frowned and nudged Calum to sit up so he could sit next to him. “You think I’m cheating on you?” he asked softly. 

“You don’t talk to me like you used to,” Calum mumbled, “And you keep staying out late and making shit up when I ask where you’ve been and taking weird trips and coming back acting normal again. And you’re _different_ when we fuck.” 

Ashton made to put a hand on Calum’s knee, but seemed to think better of it. “I would never cheat,” he promised, “I’m sorry you’ve had to think that I would do that to you.” 

Calum frowned and crossed his arms. “You’ve been different,” he repeated. 

“I'm sorry. I wish I was better, but…” He stared at his hands. “Sometimes I get scared that I might hurt you.” 

“What d’you mean?”

Ashton swallowed. “Juvy was...really rough. I wanted to get better, but there was a lot that I needed that I didn’t get while I was there and I just...I didn’t completely recover from what happened.” 

“When you assaulted someone,” Calum deadpanned. 

“No, before that, I…” Ashton glanced at him. “I did that because he raped me.” 

Calum’s heart stopped. 

“And I lied about the assault charge,” Ashton continued, “I killed him.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for implied rape and incest in this chapter.

Calum was at a loss for words, a strong sense of deja vu permeating his thoughts. 

“You...killed someone?”

Ashton stole a glance at him and nodded. “I was scared and angry. I didn’t know what else to do. I don’t know if there was anything else I _could_ do.”

Calum swallowed. “But isn’t that...it was self defence or something, right?” 

Ashton shrugged. “I got out of a life sentence, but his family argued that the way I did it was… _vicious_ and that I was still a danger to other people. Maybe they were right.” 

Calum had never seen Ashton look as vulnerable as he did then.

“Sometimes I just get really...cold. Like I could hurt someone and not even blink. I’m scared that I might hurt _you_ if I get too deep in it.” 

“What do you do when that happens?” 

“Get space. I guess I just need to be away from people sometimes.” 

Calum nodded, not sure what to say. 

“Are you mad?” Ashton asked quietly. 

“No, no, I just…” Calum had thought finding out Ashton went to juvy was a lot, but now… “I think I’m gonna...stay over at Michael and Luke’s,” he decided, “I need to think.” 

“No, don’t,” Ashton objected, grabbing Calum’s wrist when he made to get up. 

“Ashton-”

“Stay away from Michael.” 

Calum stared. “ _Why?_ ”

“Please trust me,” Ashton urged, “I know you probably don’t want to right now, but there’s something off about him.” 

Calum pulled his hand away. “What do you mean?” 

“He just...he reminds me of guys I knew in juvy. Violent, fucked-up guys.” 

“Ash…” Calum sighed and rubbed his head. “Fine, I’ll go somewhere else. I just need space.”

Ashton relaxed and nodded. “I’m sorry I’ve been hurting you. And I’m sorry I lied, I just didn’t...I wanted to put it behind me. I didn’t want you to think of me differently, but...I get it if you wanna break up.” 

A friend from work had space on their couch for Calum, but falling asleep was hard. He felt like the right thing to do was address the fact that Ashton lied to him and broke his trust, but he couldn’t help but understand and sympathise with why he’d done it. How the fuck does one even bring something like that up? 

_Hey Calum, just thought I’d let you know that I killed my rapist when I was a kid and was in juvy for most of high school, please don’t treat me like a monster._

Sure, killing someone was serious shit, but if Calum was being honest, the guy deserved it. It sickened him to think that something like that could happen to Ashton and the more his thoughts circled around it, the more he felt like killing someone like that was okay. He couldn't imagine the pain it took to make a kid willing to a life.

By morning, he regretted not staying with Ashton after he poured his heart out like that. Opening up about shit as fucked up as that must have taken a lot and Calum just left him alone on the couch like the shittiest boyfriend on the planet. 

Having gotten no sleep, Calum went home and apologised for freaking out, promising Ashton that he wanted to be supportive and understanding. Ashton seemed shocked and wouldn’t stop hugging him until Calum reminded him that they had to be at work in half an hour. 

It seemed weird to be scooping ice cream and serving thickshakes after Ashton’s confession. Although Calum didn’t want to make him share and relive every awful detail about what happened to him, it felt like there was still a lot to talk about. What if he had triggers that Calum hadn’t been accommodating or something? 

For the first time in weeks, Luke came in for ice cream. Calum hadn’t been facing the door when he entered and just about jumped out of his skin when he turned to see him at the counter, though it was a welcome distraction from his relentless overthinking. 

“Where’s Michael?” Calum asked, preparing Luke’s usual order. 

“With his nan.” Luke glanced at Ashton, who was busy cleaning some equipment. “How are you?”

Calum lowered his voice and leaned in a little. “I told him I thought he was cheating.”

Luke’s eyes widened in panic. 

“We’re fine, we’re fine,” Calum assured him, “I was wrong, but...I think we’ll be fine.”

“What did he say?”

Calum glanced at Ashton, his words flashing through his mind. “It’s not for me to tell.” 

Luke looked worried and skeptical as he leaned in. “You’re not in trouble, are you?” he murmured. 

“No,” Calum promised, handing Luke his ice cream, “But thanks for worrying, man.”

“You can come to me and Michael if you need help,” Luke said earnestly, sliding cash over the counter, “Whatever it is, we’ll help you.” 

Calum frowned, taking the money. “It’s really fine, dude.” Maybe Luke just thought Calum might get kicked out if they break up, but a nagging feeling told Calum that he was _afraid_ of Ashton. 

Watching Luke go, Calum wondered what had happened between them. He could accept that Ashton had always been wary of Michael, only acting friendly to be polite, but he’d thought Luke genuinely liked Ashton a lot. Where did all this suspicion come from? 

It took a few weeks for Ashton to start getting distant again, or cold, as he called it. 

“Do you need some time?” Calum asked him when he came home late one night. 

Ashton didn’t say anything for a moment, staring up at the dark ceiling. “I’m sorry.”

Calum put an arm over him, tracing his fingers over his skin. “You don’t have to be sorry. I wanna help.” 

Ashton rolled over to face him. “I was thinking of driving out in a fortnight. I dunno how long for.” 

“That’s okay. I’ll be here when you get back.”

Ashton kissed Calum gratefully. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

It turned out Michael was also going out that weekend, visiting an aunt according to Luke, who decided that they should take the opportunity to have a Lord of the Rings marathon together. 

Drinking beer and talking about the movies with Luke was fun, even though it felt like Calum was only half watching them as Luke gushed about his favourite parts. 

“We always skip this bit,” he commented during Return of the King, when Denethor was arranging Faramir’s funeral, “Michael hates it ‘cause of all the fire.”

“The fire?” Calum questioned, taking a sip of his beer. 

“He had an accident when he was younger,” Luke explained, “Seeing and thinking about people getting burnt is kind of a trigger for him.” 

Calum’s ears pricked at the word. “Michael has triggers?”

Luke shrugged.

“What happens?” 

“Uh...he kinda feels his face burning? And he gets sick. One time I had a close call with the stove and he threw up.” He frowned, looking away. “Maybe I shouldn’t be talking about it when he’s not here.” 

“Right, sorry, I didn’t mean to gossip or anything, I just…” Calum mulled over the wording in his head. “Something happened to someone I know when they were a kid and I wanna...understand them better.” He rubbed his neck. “Or something.” 

Luke relaxed. “Fair enough.” 

When they finished the movie, Luke showed Calum to his room. “You can have the bed, I’ll take the couch.” 

“You won’t take Michael’s bed?”

“We kind of...share.”

“Oh.” Calum looked at the double size bed, then back at Luke. “Are you sure you guys aren’t dating?” he joked. 

Luke rubbed his neck sheepishly. “We aren’t, I just...I dunno.”

“Hey, it’s fine, man,” Calum assured him, “I don’t wanna kick you out, though. If you wanna share with me, I’m cool with it. Bed’s big enough.”

“Really?” Luke asked hopefully.

Luke maintained some distance when they got under the covers, probably afraid of making Calum uncomfortable even though Calum felt that their friendship was at the point where they could totally have a good friendly cuddle every now and then. 

Staying up so late to watch Lord of the Rings had Calum tired enough to fall asleep quickly, waking up to daylight seeping through the curtains and Luke whimpering in his sleep. 

Calum sat up and rubbed his eyes, alertness cutting through his head as he registered Luke’s soft apologies and pleas for something to stop. 

“Luke?” He nudged Luke’s shoulder a couple of times. “Wake up, it’s just a dream.”

Luke shifted away from his touch, face scrunching up in fear. “I’m sorry,” he sobbed out. 

“Luke!” Calum said more firmly, “Wake up!” 

Finally, Luke’s eyes cracked open and he rolled away from Calum, grasping at the sheet as his chest heaved for air. 

Calum stared at Luke’s back, unsure of what to do. 

“I’m sorry,” Luke croaked. 

“It was just a dream,” Calum murmured, reaching out to stroke Luke’s shoulder. 

“I woke you up.” 

“Don’t worry about it.” 

Luke peeked over his shoulder at Calum, eyes red and swollen. 

“You okay?” The question felt stupid the moment it left Calum's lips.

Luke shook his head.

Calum opened his arms for him. “C’mere.” 

Curling into Calum’s arms, Luke buried his face in his shirt, tears quickly soaking through to his skin. For a few minutes, he just cried and let Calum hold him, breaking down into sobs whenever he tried to speak. By the time he was calm enough to get out full sentences, his voice was hoarse and raw. 

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologise for anything,” Calum replied, rubbing his back slowly, “You need to talk about it?”

“It’s a lot.” 

“I won’t look at you differently,” Calum promised, recalling Ashton’s fear when he’d told Calum what happened to him. 

“It was about school,” Luke whispered, “When I—” He choked off, pressing a hand to his mouth.

“It’s okay,” Calum prompted.

He lowered his hand and swallowed. “When he made me...sell myself.” 

Calum frowned, hugging Luke tighter. 

“If I didn’t get enough money he’d hit me and—” Luke took a shuddering breath. 

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to,” Calum murmured, hoping he wasn't prying and upsetting Luke further. 

“He was always worse than them. Guys at school tried not to hurt me too badly in case it made him angry, but he didn’t care. He _wanted_ to hurt me.” 

Calum felt sick. How could something like that happen to someone as gentle as Luke? How could nobody who knew care enough to try and stop it? 

“Sometimes I’m scared he’ll hurt Michael too,” Luke uttered, “Just because he’s my friend.” 

Calum squeezed his eyes shut and buried his nose in Luke’s hair. Ashton had to be wrong about Michael. How could he be dangerous if Luke trusted and cared about him so much? 

A hatred for Phil welled up in Calum as they laid together, hot and savage enough to scare him if he’d been feeling that way about anyone else. Up until that moment, he’d never in his life thought he could be capable of killing someone, but now he was certain that he would be willing to end Phil’s life in a heartbeat.


	10. Chapter 10

Calum cast a glance at Luke, slumped at the kitchen table. “You guys have ice cream or something for these?” he asked, gesturing to the growing plate of pancakes on the counter next to him. 

Luke nodded, his chair barely making a sound as he stood. He remained hunched as he silently walked to the fridge and reached up to the top of the door. Calum couldn’t see what he was doing, but the door was much quieter than it should’ve been when he opened it and took out a tub of Blue Ribbon. 

“Perfect,” Calum said, giving an encouraging smile that Luke didn’t see because he kept his eyes on the floor as he returned to the table. 

When the last pancake was in the pan, Calum took the mixing bowl to the sink and started filling it with warm water. 

“Picked this up from Ashton,” he told Luke in an attempt to ease some of the dark cloud in the room, “He always washes his dishes as he cooks.” 

Luke didn’t reply. He’d become fragile after opening up to Calum, jumping at loud noises and flinching at sudden movements. 

Calum got out a plate each for he and Luke and brought them to the table. “Help yourself.” 

Slowly, Luke took the top pancake. 

“You can have more, if you want. There’s plenty.” 

As Luke served himself, he softly spoke up. “Where did you learn to make these?”

“Ashton. I help him cook a lot and this is a pretty easy recipe.” 

“Was he mad when you asked if he was cheating?”

Calum frowned at the suddenness of the question. “No.”

Luke nodded and took a bite of pancake. 

“Why are you so worried about him? He’s not...bad to me. He’s never even yelled at me.” 

Luke chewed in thought for a moment. “I dunno...there’s just something about him, you know? I guess he reminds me of someone.” 

The worst part of what he said not feeling like the whole truth was the familiarity in the words. 

“In what way?” Calum prompted, half wishing he wasn’t asking. Ashton wasn’t like the guys he knew in juvy, he just _wasn’t._

Luke eyed him nervously. “You’re probably right,” he quietly ceded, “If he really hasn’t hurt you, he’s probably fine, ay?” 

As unsatisfied as he was with the outcome of the conversation, Calum didn’t want to make Luke more uncomfortable after such a difficult night. He reluctantly dropped it and they ate in silence for a few minutes. 

“When’s Michael getting back?” he eventually asked, hoping that talking about him would cheer Luke up. 

“He said he might be back by tonight, but it might be a few days.”

“I have work tomorrow, but do you wanna watch more movies if he’s not?” Part of Calum didn’t want to leave Luke on his own and he suspected that discomfort with being alone was the reason he invited Calum over in the first place. 

Luke smiled. “Definitely.”

Calum texted Ashton to let him know the plan. He probably wouldn’t mind, he might not even get back today. Calum still hadn’t figured out how much alone time he usually needed and, now that Calum was supporting his trips, Ashton might let himself be gone longer. 

Eventually, Ashton texted back to say he wouldn’t be home until tomorrow but hoped Calum was enjoying his time with Luke. Calum assured him that things were going great and nearly said he missed him, but thought better of it. He didn’t want to pressure him into coming home before he was ready. 

That night, they watched the John Wick movies and bonded over their shared undying love of Keanu Reeves. Luke seemed back to his happy self by the time they went to bed, less shy about cuddling up to Calum than he’d been the night before. He didn’t have any nightmares and helped Calum make bacon and eggs for breakfast in the morning. 

When Calum went home to get dressed for work, Ashton texted to say he’d be back later that day. Work dragged by, Calum constantly checking the time in anticipation of welcoming him back. Even if Ashton said he was okay now, Calum wanted to see it for himself. 

The minute his shift ended, Calum was out the door, checking his phone to see Ashton’s text from a few hours ago telling him he was home. Calum told him he was on his way and had barely made it to his motorbike before Ashton texted him back to tell him to drive safe. 

The moment Calum was inside the door, Ashton pounced on him and shoved him back into it, lips pressed hard against his. For a moment, Calum melted into it, letting Ashton in and instinctively resting his hands on his hips. 

“ _Ash,_ ” he gasped the moment he had enough air to speak. 

Ashton pulled away, a dark glint in his eye as his hand moved downwards. “Yeah?” he checked. 

Calum nodded. “Fuck yes. Just-” 

Ashton froze, eyes searching his face. 

“Let me get my work stuff off first.” 

Ashton rolled his eyes and pressed their lips back together, hands at the buttons of Calum’s shirt. They separated for a moment to get it over his head and then were back together, Ashton groping at Calum’s bare chest and trailing kisses to his jaw and neck.

“Missed you,” Ashton murmured, palming at Calum through his pants. 

“Missed you too,” Calum laughed. 

Before things could go any further, Ashton grabbed his wrist and pulled him to the bedroom. They had a moment to breathe while they took the rest of their clothes off, then Ashton was pushing Calum onto the bed and caging him in with his arms. 

Calum didn’t want to be the kind of guy who judges how good a relationship is going based on the sex, but if he were to start he’d say that he and Ashton were in a really fucking good place for the first time in what felt like forever. He couldn’t deny that he’d wondered if things changed between them after Ashton opened up to him, but now he realised that, although he understood and respected Ashton’s need for space, he’d missed feeling _wanted_ in bed. 

Lying with Ashton as they drifted to sleep, Calum felt like things between them were finally okay again. As he pulled himself closer, his fingers grazed what felt like a cut on Ashton’s waist.

Calum frowned. “Did you get hurt?” he asked quietly. 

“Just scratched myself,” Ashton murmured back, “Barely even bled.”

Calum pressed his lips to the back of Ashton’s shoulder. “Better let me kiss it better in the morning.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warning for homophobia and homophobic violence

The next time Ashton had to go, it felt like routine, like a comfortable and familiar part of their relationship. Calum didn’t stay with Luke this time because Michael’s nan was getting sicker and they needed space, but he didn’t mind spending a few nights alone. 

Of course, his absence at work meant that Calum was doing more and staying back later, but at least he was getting paid more for it. Winter was close, so it was always dark by the time he was done cleaning, but that didn’t worry him until the night Ashton got home. 

He was in a good mood, elated at the prospect of going home to his boyfriend. As he closed up, he noticed three men down the alley. It didn’t bother him at first, not until he was making his way to the carpark and he realised they were following him. 

Or maybe they weren’t. Maybe they were parked nearby and didn’t give a shit about Calum. He tried to relax, only really feeling it when he reached his motorbike and put on his helmet. His tension quickly returned when someone spoke. 

“You Hood’s kid?” 

Calum turned to find the men standing just a few metres away, their body language setting off alarm bells in his head. He recognised them. Friends of his dad’s. He tried to look unfazed, but no amount of staring down was going to make him look less outnumbered. 

“Yeah.” He hoped to god it was the right answer. 

“The fag?”

Shit.

“No-”

“Yeah you are.” The man stepped closer. “I’ve seen you with Ethan’s brother and those other fags.” 

Hopefully the rising panic wasn’t showing on his face. His brain was a whirlwind as he searched for ways to turn the conversation away from the direction it was going but came up with nothing. 

“I don’t want any trouble,” he tried. 

“Should’ve thought of that before you decided to be a cocksucker.” 

Calum would have liked to say that he bravely fought them off and got away bruised but victorious, but it was three against one and he went down quickly once someone had yanked off his helmet and tossed it away. As he shielded his face from their boots, he felt a cold sense of inevitability creep over him. Of course this was always going to happen. Part of him had known it from the moment his dad kicked him out. People fucking hated him for what he was. 

Eventually, the kicks stopped coming and Calum vaguely registered voices. He curled up tighter when he felt hands pulling at his arms, but looked up when he realised he recognised the voice saying his name. 

In the low light, Luke looked terrified. “Can you walk?”

Calum grunted and spat blood onto the bitumen, wincing when he tried to put pressure on his wrist to push himself off the ground. Luke helped him into a sitting position, radiating worry and fear. 

“You okay?” Michael asked as he approached, folding and pocketing a large knife. 

“‘M alive,” Calum answered through the blood in his mouth. He spat it out and his tongue hurt. He must have bitten it. 

Michael and Luke pulled him to his feet and he frowned at his motorbike. Someone had pushed it over. He tried to resist as they started walking away, but everything hurt too much to really fight. 

“My motorbike,” he protested. 

“We’ll call someone to get it,” Michael promised. 

Luke sat with him in the backseat of Michael’s car, taking out his phone to text someone as Michael got in the front seat and started the engine. 

“Britney’s gonna pick up your bike,” Luke eventually told Calum. 

Calum grunted an acknowledgement, too exhausted to say much else. He watched the lights go by as they drove, trying to think about anything other than what happened. His weak plan to put it out of his mind and just forget it all failed spectacularly when they reached a hospital and he had to tell them what happened, though he carefully kept the reason out. 

He realised his wallet was gone when they asked about a Medicare card and that ended up being what toppled his careful numbness. Rage boiled under his skin as nurses looked him over, cleaning wounds and shining lights in his eyes. Who the fuck did those guys think they were? 

“You wanna call Ashton?” Michael asked. 

Calum shook his head, the thought of how he’d worry taking the edge off his anger. The time he’d come home late after hanging out with Luke pushed into his mind and he remembered how worried Ashton had been that something had happened to him. This time, something actually had. 

Several x-rays later, they told him there were no fractures and he was lucky there wasn’t any permanent damage, particularly around his swollen eye. Calum mulled that word over. Lucky. He knew they were right, it could have been much worse, but it was still a weird thought. He didn’t _feel_ lucky. 

At Calum’s request, they went back to Michael and Luke’s. He couldn’t face Ashton like this. Not right now. He still didn’t even know what to say to him. On the way there, he told him he’d decided to stay with them for the night. He knew it was too much to hope that it would be enough, but he still groaned when Ashton asked why. 

As he racked his mind for an answer, Calum started crying and hated every tear, hated knowing that it was exactly what they wanted, that they wanted him to feel weak and hurt and afraid. Luke put a careful arm around him and Calum welcomed the embrace, turning to cry into his shirt. Thank god Ashton wasn’t here to see this. 

Unfortunately, he was waiting for them when they pulled up. Michael got out to greet him while Calum attempted to dry his eyes, knowing that it was futile but desperate to put on a brave face for Ashton. 

When he finally got out, his blood ran cold. 

Michael had his hands up defensively, as if he was trying to talk Ashton down, and Ashton was pressing the tip of a knife to the skin below his ear, his eyes cold. 

“Ash?” Calum croaked, throat tight from his sob fest. 

Ashton’s eyes flickered to him and he pulled the knife away enough for Michael to step back. He watched Michael’s retreat like a hawk as he folded away about two inches of blade. Vaguely, Calum thought it was funny to find out Ashton and Michael both kept huge scary knives on their persons on the same night. Apparently they had a lot in common. 

“What happened?” Ashton demanded. 

Calum stepped towards him. “It’s okay, I-” A hand on his wrist stopped him. He looked back at Luke and saw terror in his eyes. 

Nobody said a word as Calum glanced around at them all. 

“What the fuck is going on?” he asked as his eyes fell on Ashton. 

“Maybe we should go inside,” Michael suggested. 

“No,” Ashton snapped, “I’m taking him home.” 

“Ash…” 

Ashton’s gaze softened when he looked at Calum. 

“Tell me what’s going on,” Calum implored, “ _Please._ ”

Ashton nodded. “I’ll explain when we get home.”

“No. Tell me now.”

“Calum…” Luke fretted. 

“Why are you so scared of him?” Calum asked Luke, though the question did feel somewhat silly now that Ashton had actually proven himself capable of being fucking scary. 

“I really think we should discuss this inside,” Michael said. 

“ _No,_ ” Ashton repeated.

“Yes.” Calum looked Ashton in the eye. “I’m fucking exhausted and I’m not leaving until I know what everyone’s fucking problem is.” 

Ashton gave Michael a hateful look. “Fine.”

Luke kept throwing nervous glances back at Ashton as he and Michael led them inside. Michael showed them to the lounge room, giving Ashton a long look before heading to the kitchen with Luke. 

Calum fell to the couch, weariness nagging at his bones. Ashton sat beside him and looked him over, worry in his eyes. 

“What happened?” he asked softly, tilting Calum’s face with his fingertips to get a look at his black eye. 

“Some of my dad’s friends,” Calum reluctantly mumbled, “They recognised me after work.” 

Anger flashed in Ashton’s eyes, but he looked up as Luke came in with a bag of peas wrapped in a teatowel. He avoided returning Ashton’s gaze as he handed it to Calum and stepped back. 

“So what’s going on between you guys?” Calum asked once Michael had joined them in the lounge room. 

Michael gave Ashton a pointed look. “You wanna be the one to break it to him?” 

Calum looked at Ashton expectantly. 

“Michael kills people,” Ashton said. 

Michael scoffed. “So do you.” 

Calum stared, blood rushing in his ears. “What do you mean?” 

Ashton glared at Michael. “He’s a serial killer.”

“ _So are you._ ” 

“Wait, as in…” Calum took a deep breath. “This is a bad joke.” 

“It’s not a joke,” Ashton told him, “That’s why I keep asking you to stay away from him.” 

Calum squeezed his eyes shut. “You kill people?” 

Ashton tried to touch his shoulder, but he shook him off. “Only bad people. Rapists.” 

“Why?” 

“I need to. I get cold. It’s the only thing that helps.” 

“You…” Calum’s head snapped up. “Wait. Is that what…” He couldn’t bring himself to say it.

“That’s what I do when I leave,” Ashton confirmed. 

Calum stared at him. “You killed someone? When you were gone?” 

Ashton looked pained. “He was just a rapist.” 

“When did you do it?” 

“Yesterday.”

“Yesterday,” Calum repeated. He looked up at Michael. “And you knew.” 

Michael looked hesitant. “I didn’t know he was picky, like us. That’s why we keep worrying about you. We thought he might kill you.”

Luke looked uncomfortable. 

“What’ve you got to do with this?” Calum asked him, “Are you a fucking _serial killer_ too?”

“I’m sorry,” Luke whispered. 

“You really threw me off, to be honest,” Ashton said, eyeing Luke down, “I thought it was Michael at first, but you killed Ethan, didn’t you?” 

It didn’t feel like a question. Calum looked at Luke, who refused to meet anyone’s eye and looked like he wanted to hide behind Michael. 

“I didn’t mean to.” 

“Ethan got what was coming to him,” Michael snapped, wrapping an arm around Luke, “The only reason he didn’t deserve it was because _nothing_ could be enough to pay for what he put Luke through.” 

The puzzle pieces clicked together. 

“ _Ethan_ did that to you? I thought it was Phil.” 

Luke frowned at the ground. 

“Phil let it happen,” Michael bit, “He knew about everything and pretended his son wasn’t a fucking monster. He just got wasted every night and acted like none of it was his fault.” 

“I went there when we got back,” Luke said softly, “The rock I did it with is still there.” 

Calum exhaled and looked around at everyone. What the fuck was he supposed to say? He was way too tired for this. 

“Are you mad at me?” 

He barely heard Luke’s quiet question. 

“No, I-” He ran his hand through his hair. “What happens now?” 

“You leave us alone,” Ashton told Michael.

“Stop it,” Calum said tiredly. He huffed a wry laugh. “You two hate each other a lot considering how much you have in common.” 

“I won’t let him touch you,” Ashton told him. 

“I’m not gonna lay a finger on him,” Michael replied, “ _You’re_ the dangerous one here.” 

Ashton glared and took Calum’s hand. “Are we done? Calum needs to rest.”

Calum withdrew his hand. “I don’t…” 

Ashton frowned. 

“I’m sorry, I just…” He sighed. “You _kill_ people.” 

“I’d never hurt you,” Ashton murmured, his expression genuine. 

Calum looked away. “I wanna stay here tonight. Is that okay?” he asked Luke.

Luke nodded, eyes flickering to Ashton nervously. 

Ashton nodded understandingly, looking hurt. “I’ll stay too, then. In case something happens.” 

“I’m not gonna kill him,” Michael sighed in exasperation. 

“I’m gonna shower,” Calum interjected before Ashton could reply. 

Every bone in his body ached and there was only so much the hot water could do to soothe it. Ugly bruises were forming everywhere, staining his skin as he scrubbed away sweat, dirt and blood.

A soft knock came at the door as he pondered putting his dirty clothes back on. 

“I have some clothes,” Luke called. 

Calum opened the door to take them, not looking Luke in the eye. Did he even know him anymore? 

Luke was waiting on the bed when he came out, the clean clothes making him feel marginally better. 

“Is it okay if I stay with you?” Luke asked nervously. 

Calum nodded. He’d feel like a real dickhead if he kicked Luke out of his own bed. Besides, he needed someone and despite what he’d just learned about him, he still found Luke’s presence comforting. 

“Do you … need to kill people like Ashton does?” Calum asked as they laid in the darkness. 

“It was just Ethan at first,” Luke said softly, “I was just so scared. I told him I was leaving with Michael and he said he’d find me. Hurt me so bad I’d wish I was dead.”

Calum pulled him to his chest, heart aching at the thought of Luke being so afraid. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. Anyway, sometimes I help Michael. It makes me feel … safe, I guess.”

It was almost so faint he could have imagined it, but when Michael or Ashton said something just loud enough for them to hear, Calum felt Luke’s pulse speed up. 

“Why does Michael do it?” he asked, hoping to distract him from the raised voices. 

“He hates rapists. He wants to help people by killing every one he finds.” 

“Fair enough.” 

Luke breathed a laugh. “Yeah.” 

“Does he scare you?” 

“Nah. He’d never hurt anyone that didn’t deserve it.” 

Calum considered that. His sense of morality had been taking some serious hits lately. At first glance, of course he believed rapists should be punished, but in actual fact Ashton, Michael and Luke _killed_ people. They were killers. Surely that had to damage them somehow. 

As Luke drifted off and Calum remembered his nightmare, it occurred to him that they were already damaged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beans b like *spilled noises*
> 
> You Don't Deserve to Breathe, But Here I Am Still Hearing You Speak can be now be read spoiler-free for more Michael/Luke backstory.


	12. Chapter 12

In the morning, Calum was relieved to find that, although they hadn’t slept a wink, Michael and Ashton were a lot more peaceable than they’d been the night before. Upon realising Calum was awake, Ashton stood and came to him, worry darkening his eyes as he lightly traced the bandaids and bruises on Calum’s face. 

“Do you know who they were?”

Calum shrugged. “Friends of my dad’s.” 

“What are their names? Do they work with him?” 

Calum took one of Ashton’s wrists, suspecting where this was going. “They’re not your kind of...targets.” 

“They’re not that different,” Ashton countered, “They get off on making people afraid. I don’t care if they haven’t actually raped someone, they’re probably this close to it anyway.” 

“Brendan Hill,” came Luke’s soft voice as he followed Calum out of the bedroom, “James Fraser, Brent Giles. They used to...in high school...” 

Ashton nodded to Luke, almost as if thanking him. 

“I was thinking of going after them,” Michael said, getting up from the couch, “If you want help.” 

Ashton looked surprised at the offer. “Do you know their routines?”

Calum limped to the kitchen as they talked, feeling a little sick at how casually they were discussing _killing people,_ even if he quietly thought those people deserved it. Luke followed him in and offered cereal, which Calum gratefully accepted. He’d forgotten that he missed dinner last night. 

“They seem better,” Luke commented as they ate. 

“Yeah,” Calum agreed, “Maybe they finally sorted their shit out.” 

“I hope so.” 

Calum eyed his cereal. “So they’re actually gonna kill them?”

Luke shrugged. “I dunno about Ashton, but I think Michael’s convinced that they’re worth it.”

“How do you guys...do it?” 

“Usually we try to make it look like an accident or something. The cops’ll be satisfied with whatever answer means the least work for them, so it’s pretty easy.” 

Calum frowned at him. “They don’t even try to investigate?”

Luke stared at the table. “It probably would’ve taken them five minutes to figure out I killed Ethan. They didn’t even bother because he was on someone else’s turf and they assumed they got in a fight over territory. Smithy was pretty keen to take the credit. Fraser’s a cop, but everyone knows he does bad shit. Nobody would be surprised if someone killed him for not paying debts too.”

A shiver ran up Calum’s spine. Hearing Luke talk like that was weird. It felt oddly removed, as if he was talking about the plot of a movie he hadn't liked much.

Ashton and Michael came into the kitchen, the tension between them finally gone. 

“Britney says she’ll bring your bike around to you and Ashton’s place,” Michael told Calum, “She said you’ll need a new helmet, though.” 

Calum nodded. “Alright.” 

“You ready to go home?” Ashton asked. 

“Yeah. I’ll drive?” 

Calum didn’t know what to say to Ashton on the way home. Once again, he found himself feeling like he didn’t know him at all, like he’d been blind to who Ashton was. Surely there were signs, little things he should have picked up on and put together. Calum cursed himself. Of course there were signs, he'd just been wrong about what they were pointing to. 

“So are you and Michael gonna kill those guys?” Nothing felt real anymore. Who the fuck asked their boyfriend something like that?

“Yeah,” Ashton said, “They’re dangerous. They’re not gonna stop until someone stops them.” 

“That’s why you do it? To stop people like that?” 

Ashton glanced at him. “I like how it feels, too,” he confessed, “Makes me feel like I’m in control of my life.” 

Calum wondered if he was about to make the biggest and last mistake of his life. 

When they got home, it felt like Ashton was already gearing up for what he was about to say. 

“I don’t know if I can...do this,” Calum tried, analysing Ashton’s face for any hint of bloodthirsty rage or fear that he was losing control. 

Ashton simply nodded at the ground. 

“I just...this keeps happening, you know? I keep thinking I know you and you trust me, but then one of us says something or I pry too much and I find out you don’t actually tell me _anything._ ” 

Ashton looked up at him in confusion. “You’re saying you’re breaking up with me because I don’t talk to you about my feelings? Calum, I _kill_ people, I get it if you don’t wanna keep sleeping with a psychopath.” 

Calum took a deep breath. “I think I get it. You got hurt worse than I can even imagine, and it...maybe what you do makes sense, but I dunno how to make it sit right if you can’t let me in. I need to be able to understand it.”

“It’s not supposed to sit right,” Ashton said quietly, “It’s fucked up, Calum, you’re not supposed to try and understand it. You should be running from me, I’m a monster.”

Calum felt his eyes heat up. “I don’t think you are.” 

Ashton went to the couch and slumped down, raking his fingers through his hair. “What are you gonna do? I don’t want you stuck without a place to stay. Especially not after last night.”

Calum sat next to him, thinking. “I don’t know.” Twelve hours ago there hadn’t been a thought in his mind about where he’d go if he moved out. 

“Me and Michael have to talk,” Ashton told him, “Maybe he could stay here and you could stay with Luke. Just to get some space from us for a few days.”

Calum nodded. 

“You don’t have to move out,” Ashton clarified, “You can stay as long as you want, I’m just saying...I get it if you don’t feel safe around me.” 

Calum wished he could honestly deny that he’d thought Ashton might get angry and hurt him for this conversation. He wanted to say that no part of him was afraid of what he might do, but there was still so much uncertainty. 

What _would_ Ashton do? He’d threatened Michael with a knife last night, a knife Calum hadn’t even known he owned. Did he always use a knife? Would he prefer a hammer or a length of plastic wrap and duct tape or something else for an ex-boyfriend? 

“I have to go to work,” Calum finally said, wishing he knew how to fix everything with words. 

Maybe he should’ve texted to say he couldn’t make it today, most people probably would have, but Calum hoped that the normalcy would ground him, that in the routine everything would somehow fall into place and he’d suddenly have all the answers. 

It didn’t work. His boss eyed his scrapes and bruises and said nothing, acted like nothing was wrong and it made Calum painfully aware of how alone he was. Devin didn’t want to ask, but he had to suspect what happened because normally if you see an acquaintance looking like shit you ask if they’re okay. Maybe he thought addressing it would mean he’d have to do something. 

A few assholes beating the shit out of him hurt, but everyone else acting like it didn’t even happen was sickening. His closest friends might all be serial killers, but at least they gave a shit. 

Michael picked him up after work, commenting that, even when Calum had a new helmet, Luke would want him to keep doing it until the men that attacked him were dead. 

“He worries, you know?” 

Calum nodded. 

“So are we switching places for a bit?” 

“Hm?”

“Me and Ashton plot those assholes’ demises while you and Luke cheer us on from a safe distance,” Michael clarified. 

“Oh. Yeah, I guess so.” 

They went back to Ashton’s so that Calum could pick up clothes and stuff. He wished he’d come up with something heartfelt and healing to say to him at work, but nothing felt adequate. 

“Be careful, yeah?” he said as he got in Michael’s car. 

Ashton nodded. “You too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :c
> 
> rest in pieces, cashton


	13. Chapter 13

Calum rolled onto his back and cracked an eye open at the dark ceiling, wondering when he became such a light sleeper as he listened to Luke’s nonsensical mumbles. For a minute, they stopped and Calum wondered if the dream was over and it was safe to go back to sleep, but then Luke started talking again, clearer now.

“Needa finish m’homework,” he slurred into his pillow. 

He was quiet again for a moment, but Calum felt him tense.

“No, I’ll get in trouble,” he protested, weakly shoving at the bedsheets, “No, stop.”

“Luke,” Calum said, cold dread washing over him as he sat up and shook Luke’s shoulder. 

“Please don’t, I have to finish it.” He startled Calum with a loud, agonised noise, his chest heaving as he gripped his pillow. “It hurts, I’m not ready, it’ll bleed.”

“ _Luke._ ” 

Luke’s eyes cracked open, darting around wildly as tears spilled over. “It’s due tomorrow,” he croaked, clawing at his pillow. 

“Hey, it’s me, man.” Calum rubbed Luke’s arm, his own heartbeat loud in his ears. “It was just a dream, you’re safe now. I’m here.” 

“I got a papercut,” Luke fretted. 

“You had a nightmare,” Calum soothed, “You’re okay now.” 

Luke frowned up at him. 

“Do you wanna talk about it?” 

Shaking his head, Luke reached for Calum to lie down again so that he could bury himself in his arms. Calum squeezed him tightly, wishing he’d asked Michael what he was supposed to do when Luke had nightmares. 

“I’m sorry,” Luke said softly. 

Calum could feel tears soaking through his shirt. “‘S okay,” he assured him, feeling useless. What could he say to comfort him? “Do you want me to call Michael?”

Luke shook his head. 

“Water?”

“Can you just stay with me?” Luke whispered, “Please?”

“Yeah, of course.” It was barely dawn, Calum didn’t intend to go anywhere anyway. 

“I wonder what Michael’s doing,” Luke mumbled. 

“Sleeping, I hope,” Calum joked. 

“We normally talk about kills together. Plan everything out, even if I’m not gonna be there.” 

Calum traced his nails over Luke’s back. “Does that help?” 

“Yeah. It makes me feel like he’s gonna be okay. I don’t want him to get hurt or caught.” 

“You wanna go over to Ash’s later? See how they’re doing?” 

“Yeah.” Luke turned over, but kept Calum’s arm around his waist. “That’d be good.” 

“Luke?”

“Yeah?”

“Is Michael’s nan really sick?” Calum had been wondering if she was or if it was a lie to cover up what they were really doing, but hadn’t known how to ask. Now seemed like a good time for odd, distracting questions. 

“Yeah,” Luke replied, “That’s why we came back. We’ll probably leave again once she passes.” 

Calum frowned. “Is that what you want?”

“I keep seeing people I used to know,” Luke said softly, “It’s … really hard.” 

Calum gave him a squeeze. “Keep in touch, though, yeah? I’ll miss you.” 

“Yeah.” 

As unsure as he was of the whole killing thing, Calum didn’t want Michael and Luke to go. They were some of the only people he still related to since getting kicked out, but he didn’t want Luke to stay and be miserable like he was in school either. He deserved better than that. 

Calum didn’t think either of them had gotten back to sleep by the time dawn lit up the room. He wondered how long they were going to pretend they did, how much sunlight needed to fill the room before they pretended to wake up feeling well-rested. 

Easing himself out of Calum’s arms, Luke was the first to give up on the charade and make his way to the bathroom to shower. Calum went to the kitchen, sending Ashton a text to let him know they might come over later. 

Luke seemed better after his shower, eager to see Michael, the man he usually turned to for comfort after nightmares. Calum _had_ to ask him how to help Luke on those occasions. They didn’t have a solid idea of how long Ashton and Michael would be living together and he was afraid it might happen again. 

Walking into Ashton’s apartment, Calum was surprised to find that it looked no different from the way it had when he’d lived there. Had it actually changed when _he_ moved in? At first he’d been afraid of taking up space, getting in Ashton’s way, but now Calum was wondering if the apartment had ever felt like anything other than Ashton’s, even as he got comfortable enough to call it his home too. 

“Hey,” Ashton greeted. 

“What’s up?” Calum returned. 

“Mikey!” Luke exclaimed, hurrying into the lounge room. 

“You been okay?” Ashton asked. 

Calum nodded. “You?” 

“I’m good. Michael’s been … better than I expected. I thought he’d be more impulsive and less careful.” 

“Cool.” 

Ashton sighed and gestured for Calum to come into the lounge room, looking like he regretted the awkwardness. 

As Calum took a seat on the couch, he wondered if every conversation was somehow going to lead back to the killing thing. He missed having normal talks with his boyfriend. 

A bespectacled Michael was showing Luke some pages of stuff he and Ashton, judging by the mismatched sets of handwriting Calum could see, had written. Luke seemed completely absorbed in what Michael was saying, something about routines and Ashton’s research. 

“I didn’t know you knew how to do that,” Calum told Ashton as he came in, “Stalk people on the internet, I mean.” 

Ashton shrugged. “It’s pretty easy. I, um … I would never do it to regular people,” he assured him, “It’s mainly because I always try to pick targets that don’t live anywhere near me so that if someone went looking they wouldn’t find patterns. There’s also just … a lot you can find out about people through the internet.” 

“Fuck yeah, there is,” Michael agreed with a grin, “We’re almost ready to go with Giles.” 

“ _Already?_ ” Luke questioned. 

“Yep. We reckon we can get him this weekend or the next.” 

With a sigh, Calum got up and went to the kitchen. Maybe he’d never be ready for that part of his friends’ lives. Maybe Ashton was right and it wasn’t going to sit right or be understandable. 

As he rummaged through the fridge for leftovers to snack on, Michael came in and poured himself a bowl of cereal that was far too sugary to belong to Ashton. 

“What’s up?” he greeted as he poured the milk. 

“What do you do when Luke has nightmares?” What better time to ask? 

Michael frowned. “Did he have one?”

“Last night. I didn’t know what to do when he woke up and … it sucked.” 

Michael nodded understandingly as he chewed on a spoonful of cereal. “I usually talk to him about them? I don’t expect you to do that, though, they’re really … It’s not fun.” 

“He didn’t wanna talk about it this morning. I don’t think he trusts me enough for that.” 

“Yeah, fair enough. I’ll ask him about it.” 

“How’s Ashton?” Calum asked lowly.

“In general or since you broke up?” 

Calum shrugged. 

“We’re getting along,” Michael offered, “I think we just get each other like that, you know? I think he misses having you around, though.” 

“I miss him too,” Calum sighed, “I just … I don’t think he trusts me.” He gestured vaguely. “There’s just so much he didn’t tell me and I get that he _couldn’t,_ but … I don’t know if I can understand him like I thought I did. Like you do.” 

“It’s probably better that you don’t. Needing to kill people to feel okay isn’t as great as it sounds.”

Calum huffed a laugh. “I guess not.” 

Michael texted Luke to let him know when they’d be going after Giles while he and Calum were out buying food. Calum had been about to ask Luke what kind of cereal he liked when he turned to see him gently ruffling the head of a bunny teddy on a shelf. He snatched his hand back when he realised Calum was watching, looking embarrassed. 

“Soft,” he mumbled with a shrug before taking his phone out to see Michael’s text. 

Knowing when it would happen felt like a countdown. Calum wondered if some part of Giles could feel that he was running out of time, even if he had no idea why. Another part of him thought he deserved that fear. 

“I can never sleep when Michael goes out alone,” Luke confessed when the night came.

“He’s not alone this time,” Calum reasoned, though he knew what Luke meant. He didn’t think he’d be any help, but he wished he was there all the same. 

Luke constantly checked his phone as they stayed up watching movies. Calum hadn’t wanted to know much about their plan, but Luke knew every detail, probably in part because of all the times he’d gone with Michael. He didn’t relax until Michael finally texted to tell him they were home safe and Calum marveled at the fact that, at some point, someone had died and they hadn’t felt it. They hadn’t noticed at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! An update! Sorry it took so long, I needed a break from this fic in particular for a while. More updates will come soon, hopefully.


	14. Chapter 14

Moving back in with Ashton had been a lot easier than Calum expected. There had been some awkwardness at first, since Calum wasn’t sure how to act around him now that they weren’t boyfriends, but being _friends_ with Ashton was easy. Calum wouldn’t deny that most nights he missed him, though. Sleeping alone on the secondhand camping mattress Michael had bought felt wrong after having someone to hold at night for so long and he found himself hoping that they’d decide to go after the next guy on their list soon so that he and Michael would have to swap places. 

Calum had taken to pointedly ignoring the part of him that seemed to think that he didn’t just miss Ashton or even a vague _someone._ It was way too soon to even think about moving on, especially with _Luke,_ who Ashton was becoming pretty good friends with. 

When Calum went over to Michael and Luke’s to catch up with them, he firmly told himself that he only cared about them in a friendly way that was respectful of _everyone’s_ boundaries. They _both_ took up heaps of space in his thoughts because they were his friends and the things they did were dangerous and he tended to worry.

Calum was surprised to see Michael wearing eyeliner when he answered the door. 

“Nice makeup,” he greeted, meaning it. It looked fucking incredible on him and Calum appreciated his attractiveness from a completely platonic standpoint. 

“Thanks.” Michael stood back to let him in. 

Luke looked up at Calum in alarm as he came into the lounge room, turning away and scratching his ear as if to hide his face, though Calum had already seen the gold shimmer of the eyeshadow he was wearing. 

“Hey.” 

“Hi,” Luke mumbled. 

Michael took a seat next to Luke on the couch, taking a palette of makeup from the coffee table and lifting a brush to Luke’s face. Luke leaned away from it and Michael frowned. 

“You wanna stop?”

Luke nodded, looking at his hands. 

Michael gave Calum a long look before shrugging, turning to the laptop on the coffee table and pressing play on a video. It looked like some kind of makeup tutorial, the woman on screen demonstrating how to put on eyeshadow. 

“I’m just gonna finish mine,” he said, switching to the laptop’s camera after a moment so he could see himself. 

“Gonna wash mine off,” Luke mumbled as he stood, still avoiding Calum’s eyes. 

“Wait.” Calum stopped Luke in the hallway and held up the large kitten teddy he’d bought yesterday and almost forgotten he was holding when he saw Michael. “I got you this.” 

Luke took the teddy, staring at it in surprise for a long moment while Calum worried that he’d fucked up and Luke hated cats or something. 

A small smile pulled at Luke’s lips. “Thanks,” he said quietly. 

Calum grinned in relief and gave his shoulder a pat. “No worries! What are you gonna name it?” 

He hadn’t actually expected Luke to answer, it was meant to be a joke to break the tension he was feeling, but he smiled wider when he did anyway.

“Lollipop!” 

“Lollipop,” Calum repeated, “Cute.” 

Luke smiled at Lollipop as he turned to head for the bathroom. 

“You look good,” Calum blurted. 

Luke paused and frowned back at him. 

“It suits you.”

His frown deepened. 

“Gold’s your colour,” Calum tried, “It’s like your hair.” 

“You don’t think it’s…” Luke squeezed Lollipop anxiously, brow furrowed. 

“It’s pretty.” 

Luke gave a tiny, bashful smile. “Thanks,” he said softly before leaving. 

“You’re not making fun of him, are you?” Michael asked lowly as Calum returned, brushing gold onto his eyelid. 

“No, of course not,” Calum told him, surprised. He sat where Luke had been, figuring he’d be a while in the bathroom. “Sorry I interrupted. Do you guys do this a lot?” He hoped it wasn’t weird to ask. 

Michael shrugged. “We’re just trying it out.” 

Calum nodded. “So … Are you still planning on going after those other guys?” 

“Brendan and James?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Yep. We’re just waiting a bit so it doesn’t look too suspicious.” He paused and replayed part of the tutorial with a frown. “I think Ashton’s nearly ready for another one, though. I might have to move in with him again soon.” He looked at Calum. “Is that okay?” 

“Yeah, absolutely,” Calum assured him, “Me and Luke’ll marathon a few shows.” 

“Cool.”

Michael was right about Ashton. His coldness was creeping in again and he was talking less, showing less interest in the things he liked. Maybe it was some kind of killer instinct, that Michael had been able to tell. Maybe he just understood Ashton better than Calum had. 

_That_ was a lot to think about. How soon would Ashton move on from _Calum?_ Calum’s stomach twisted when he thought of Ashton fucking someone else, kissing someone else, holding someone else’s hand, but, oddly, it relaxed when he thought of that someone else being Michael. Michael was gentle, he wouldn’t hurt Ashton. He’d probably _help_ him by being the first person in his life to understand him that well. 

Just like that, Calum’s stomach was twisting up again. He stared at the dark guestroom ceiling, trying not to hate himself for not being enough. There was just too much he hadn’t known, too much he couldn’t understand and empathise with. Michael could _be there_ in a way Calum couldn’t, and the thought wasn’t even that scary when Calum thought about how close they’d been getting. 

After a night of too much thinking and not enough sleeping, Calum was thankful for the monotony of work in the morning. Who knew that serving up ice cream to impatient douchebags could be so therapeutic? 

After work, he and Michael went to Ashton’s. He had to pack clothes for another couple of weeks with Luke, but if he was being honest, he hadn’t really unpacked since coming back after Giles. It didn’t feel like his home anymore. 

“What do you think of Ashton?” he asked conversationally as he unlocked the door. 

Michael looked thoughtful. “Not as much of a prick as I thought,” he decided, following him in, “I kinda wanted to hate him, but he’s actually, like … alright.” 

“Alright as in-” Calum paused and stared at the guest bedroom door. Had he left it ajar that morning? He pushed it open and walked in, not noticing anything out of place. 

Michael dumped his bag on the ground. “I mean, he keeps getting up early to do yoga and shit, but he’s not a massive cunt.” 

“Do you smell that?”

Michael frowned. “What?”

Calum peeked out the bedroom door, blinking haziness out of his eyes for a moment for a moment before smelling something acrid. An orange light was flickering in the lounge room.

 _“Shit.”_

“Is that petrol?” Michael wondered.

Calum ran out to the lounge room, stomach dropping when he saw the man standing there with a petrol canister, pouring its contents out onto the carpet. _Fraser._

He looked up at Calum, face twisting in rage. “I know what your fag friends did,” he growled, “They killed Brent.” 

“What are you-”

Michael shoved Calum back and launched himself at Fraser, easily tackling him to the ground. Calum stared for a moment before registering that Fraser had dropped the canister, the carpet around them was wet and the smell of petrol was dizzying. 

Fraser threw Michael off and kicked him in the gut, buying himself enough time to get out a lighter before Calum ran at him. They hit the ground hard, Fraser managing to push Calum into the TV stand hard enough that the TV fell on top of him. It wasn’t big, but the screen shattered over him, glass cutting through his shirt and getting buried in his skin as he covered his head. 

When he opened his eyes again, fire was spreading across the carpet as Michael swung at Fraser’s face. Fraser went down quickly and Michael didn’t let him get up this time. He stomped on his face again and again until the smoke alarm went off and he seemed to realise that the room was quickly filling with fire. 

“Ashton has an extinguisher in the kitchen!” Calum yelled over the alarm, “In the cupboard near the door.” 

Michael looked back at him, but didn’t respond. 

_“Michael!”_

He just kept staring at Calum, terror clear in his eyes. 

_“Help me!”_

Michael turned as if he wanted to step towards him, but he didn’t move an inch closer, clenched fists starting to tremble. 

Calum cursed and tried to push the TV off of himself, yelling in pain. His jeans had caught fire and he started kicking at the flames with his other foot. 

_“Calum!”_

Calum looked up at Luke, then covered his face as he sprayed the fire extinguisher at the fire closest to his feet. When there was room to get through, he ran to Calum’s side and took off his jacket to smother his burning jeans, then heaved the TV off of him. He lifted Calum to his feet and they hobbled around the flames and back to the front door. 

Michael looked panicked, but he helped Calum outside as Luke tried to put the rest of the fire out. 

Other people were coming out of their apartments, but Calum didn’t give them much attention as Michael lowered him to the ground and sat next to him, his leg in agony. Someone must have called the Fire Department, because they heard wailing sirens grow louder and louder as they waited, Luke looking shaken as he came back out. 

“Michael forgot his pillow,” he said weakly, gesturing to the discarded pillow by the door. 

Michael trembled against Calum’s arm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At long last, another chapter :D

**Author's Note:**

> I run tran5rightsos on Tumblr! Feel free to send asks about this or any of my other 5sos fics!
> 
> Comments are always welcome.


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